Thursday, December 30, 2004

my story...

ever since primary 6, i have been having crushes on several guys... with each crush that i have... there is always this small little teeny weeny bit of hope that he'll feel the same for me and something might juz happen... each time, i was disappointed... each time, the feelings fade away before... nothing. the duration of this feeling usually last for abt 2 wks... a month is the max...

however... there was this one guy. he shall not be named here... (for those who sees this and know who i'm referring to, please keep it to yourself... this is revealed to you because i trust you... please don't betray it...) my feelings for him lasted for 6 months... not really long for some ppl... but this is definitely unexpected for me... i cannot imagine why...

he is actually quite an arrogant guy, not really a gentleman, intolerable sometimes. but don't they all say that... when you like someone, you like his flaws as well (ai wu ji wu)?? well... what i like abt him was his intelligence... his humor (even dirty ones)... his understanding... and his friendliness... these are actually what i look for in a guy... and he has it all... isn;t it wonderful??

no... it's not wonderful at all. besides the intelligence part... i had found out abt the rest of his qualities from friends... Oo... and the understanding part as well... found out this quality from first-hand experience... =)

[for this Ocean of memories... i shall say it all...]
remember one time in sec 4, the class was preparing our stall for the fun fair... some of us are involved in the preparation of food while the others are involved in the making of the banner... one fine day... all of us decided to meet up at "the artist's" hse to make the banner. "the artist" lives in a hdb flat... initially... i didn't know that we are not going to do it at the void deck on the 1st floor... being the nearest to the lift button, i reach for it... i didn't know how many saw my move... but he told me in a veri calm voice that we will be doing it on the 1st floor... and then he walked on as if nothing happened. this move made my embarassment down tho the minimal... because of his calmness, i am also able to pretend that i didn't do anything stupid and embarassing... come to think of it... this is a quality that i really admire... because for someone else... he would have pretended seeing nothing, and silly mi would probably ask something like " i thought we are going to his hse?" and let my stupidity be known to everyone...

did i mention my wistful thinking abt hoping to see sparks with my crush?? yes... i did... with him as well obviously... however... unlike my other crushes... this one didn't end with nothing... i wasn't sure if they were my imgination, but i used to catch him looking at me in class... whenever i feel his stare... i would ignore it for a few minutes before turning to confirm it... i would alwaes see him turning his head back to his book...

i wasn't very sure if he was really looking at me... whatever it is...(i like to look on the bright side)... the sight of him always makes me feel a surge of excitement and sweeetness... like honey flowing into my heart...

i would think... "maybe he likes me too... maybe, there'll be something"... but nothing happens... my doubts fill in once again... haiz... why?? despite all my doubts, i find myself falling deeper and deeper into something virtual, and non-exsisting relationship... (can i say that?)

i later came to a conclusion myself that nothing happens because of 'O' levels... cos... i'm finally confirmed that helikes me too!!

i haven't told anyone abt this because i want it to be a sweet secret, to be kept ini somewhere deep... but i shall jot it down in the Ocean...

on the day whenn he took his bio prac, together with other classmates, Cat n i were sitting in the canteen revising our work while waiting for them to be released... Cat was waiting for her bf... while i was waiting... to get a glimpse of him...

finally... they were out from the lab, heading towards ava upstairs... (looking ahead)... he muzhave felt my stare because he turned n look at me... straight into the eyes... despite the distance of abt 6m, i was sure he was liiking at me n not anywhere else...

for what seems like forever, our eyes held even as he continue walking... i felt electricity passing between us... it had happened more than a year ago, but till now... i can still rmb the intensity of his gaze... at that time, i could think of nothing but only to absorb all of him... n that was exactly what i was doing...
juz then, he broke the circuit by turning, n climbed up the stairs... i continue staring at him until i couldn't see him any more...

i turned to see if Cat had notice that magical moment, but luckily, she was preoccupied by her magical moment with her bf...

hopes soar... i know for sure that he'll ask me out for a date aft the 'O's... that is why i couldn't wait for the 'O's to be over... even though in the midst of it... there was some misunderstanding between Dog n i that might never be resolved if it's not done b4 the last paper...

for two wks... all of us were like having races aft races... without rest... when there was no paper on that day... we prepare ourselves for the next... we don't rest at all unless absolutely necessary...

then it was over... for me... i sense a new beginning... everyday... i went onto msn...( i tink i've forgotten to mention it... but ever since i've learnt abt mirc n msn... i have been chatting with him almost every night... those werew my best times... ) anyway... i went online everyday... hoping that a window with his nick on top will pop out... n he finally had the courage to ask me out... now, this is what i call wistful thinkinigs... why?? because it never happened... he barely even come online anymore... "maybe he's busy... maybe his com is spoilt"... ...

all my hopes to be with him were dashed when 3 mths later... i finally saw him on msn n initiated a conversation... we were both studying in diff jcs under pae... he was taking a combi that i was interested in n so i asked him abt it... all his answers were brief n his tone cold... one could tell immediately that he's impatient n can't wait to get rid of u... the conversation thus hang mid-air juz like that becos he didn't 1 2 con't n i dun wanna force him... shortly aft that... he left without saying goodbye...

so i guess that's it... he's out of my life... without saying goodbye... i believe my feelings for him will fade into something to rmb... or forgotten...

SpilLeD by b|uE at 2:23:00 am

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

why...

"why does every girl yearns to have a relationship??" that was what xw asked me juz now when we were walking to the int from rebec's hse... among my girl friends, all... save one (but perhaps she's not being honest)... yearns to be in one since secondary sch days... some even in promary school... some got what they wanted, some got more than they want, while some have yet to have the taste of it...

why indeed, is that we hope to have a boyfriend?? i can't answer for the other girls... but for me, my ans to this question was, " wouldn't it be wonderful for someone to be there for you all the time?? to have someone to love you, to protect you, to cherish you...?? when you are in confusion, in fear, in darkness... there is someone to hold ur hand, someone you could lean on, depend on... when you have something to be happy abt, you have someone to share it with you... when you are sad and depressed, you have a shoulder to cry on..." i know i sound like some poetry from the chain mail...but you know it's true...

"couldn't a friend do that??" hmmm... xw raised a veri good point. but i guess it juz wouldn't be the same... i feel that there are some things you juz couldn't tell a friend... so maybe you can confide in him... ( not really sure abt this, 'cos i haven't got any experience to speak of...)
and of course... the physical part.. a friend can't possibly give you that, can she?? hehe... of coz i didn't say that out loud... xw might tink i'm a freak or something... hehe...

anyway... i'm still going to say the same old statement... let nature takes its course... the right guy will come by when time is right... lian qing de kai shi xu yao tian shi di li ren he... hehe... dun understand?? too bad... =p



SpilLeD by b|uE at 11:59:00 am

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

my 1st step...

this is my 1st step into this ocean of memories... everything that i write will be droplets of details that will one day form the ocean of memories...

i m currently listening to an instrumental cd... the soundtrack of titanic... if u know the story... u'll know the genre of these songs... which will explain my sentimental mood that i have right now...

i'm a person of few words... not an expert when it comes to expressing myself... but i'll try my best of coz... to jot down every detail so that they can become a part of my ocean...

well... i juz changed the hard disk of my com... thanks to my uncle... without his help... i'll still be using the slow as turtle com with xtra problems... rather than this quick as lightning com with window XP... hehe... a bit exaggarating... but u get my drift... so thank you!! oo... not forgetting my dad... without his care n support... all this can't happen... thanks dad...

so... in order to commemorate this wonderful day... i've decided to set up a blog!!
yep... now that i've done it n it's 2 in the morn... i guess i should get a shut-eye n start the day fresh...

cya!!

SpilLeD by b|uE at 2:00:00 am