Wednesday, October 26, 2005
in total despire...
this is juz to relief my stress... such grief thinkings cannot exist in my ocean... n hence will be deleted once stress is over...
as night falls and darkness creeps... the truth dawns... TIME IS RUNNING OUT... what's more to this?? i'm still lagging behind with concepts to grasp n revisions to do... while i had never fail to fail math until prelims.. i'm still failing chemistry... still trying to search for the survival line for chinese... still trying to see a ray of light in total darkness... my future is bleak... i dun believe in religions... but right now.. i'm waiting for a miracle to appear... or to reappear... having seen it during o's...
they say... u have to work hard for a miracle... n that's wat i did during o's... in a way... i've earned that miracle... now... 2 years later... i'm still working hard for a miracle to appear.. i believed i've worked hard... but have i worked smartly?? i dunno... everyday... i'm like a studying machine... studying for the sake of studying... like a sponge... i'm trying to absorb as much as possible... like a photocopying machine... i'm trying to photocopy all that i've read into my mind... like a corpse... i'm trying to delay the time to enter my coffin for as long as possible.. delay until i cant take it anymore...
will all these pay in the end?? i dunno... will i rmb all that i've copied n absorbed?? i dunno... if u ask mi wat i've leart today... i'll tell u i dunno... as calm as i may look... i'm frantic inside.. who can see that?? not those smart onmes definitely... wld they noe wat izzit like to face so many dunnos?? to face the probablity that there migh tnot be a bright future waiting for them?? i guess they wld not noe.. as smart as they r.. even though they might be weak in certain aspects... their strength in other areas r able to help them survive this crisis of exams... or izzit a 'no-kick' to them?? cos it seems that they r still enjoying life at this critical moment... the usual lifestyle have not given way to studying plans... how r they able to do that??! i'mscreaming inside n i hope to get some answers... can some smart aleck juz pass mi some of ur brain juice?? juz so that i feel better?? juz so that my future will be more secured... juz so that... i can lie to myself for the time being...
they say that success comes w 99% hardwork n 1% luck... how abt natural ability?? izzit part of luck or hardwork?? cos w some in-borne talent... u wld not need 99% of hardwork... mayhap 70% will do...
for the past 1 n a half years.. i've been working hard to improve my chi.. neglecting math n chem... now comes my retribution for not doing well in chi... which i've worked so terribly hard n still gain nuts... n oso.. i'm continuing to fail chemistry.. the subj that i once loved... n now hate...
is there a good enuf future for mi?? will i c miracle that i so yearn to c?? izzit too much to ask for my hardwork to pay off?? wat else shld i do besides working my head n tails off juz to c a ray of light???? so much to do... so little time... what shld i do????????
my future is bleak.. n all i can do is post an entry in my blog... m i hardworking??
SpilLeD by b|uE at 12:16:00 am
Monday, October 24, 2005
realisation...
"Why do I have to tell him things that are obvious... that will eventually hurt the relationship in the long run... Why do i have to say it, why can't he just see it for himself. How can u say you care if you can't even tell u're hurting me??"
was juz clicking 'next blog' to c wat's next... it's interesting to note that everytime u click that fr the same location... u wouldnt c the same thing... doesnt it tell u to get hold of now?? hehe...
anyway... was juz browsing when i came across this... sorry to blue sky that i quoted u... but i tink wat u said is veri true... while it is impt for two ppl to be totally honest w each other... to ensure high level of understanding n trust... there r some things that shld be left unsaid... esp those that u noe will hurt in a long run...
oso... sometimes one juz need to be sensitive enuf to note that wat u've said have indeed hurt ur counterpart... it's one thing when u say sth knowing that it will hurt n another when u say sth that hurts without knowing it...
these r the two things that we juz have to realise...
SpilLeD by b|uE at 1:01:00 am
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
lesson learnt...
lesson learnt: nv expect too much from any1... in fact... nv expect anything from any1... cos more often than not.. u'll be disappointed... fullstop.
SpilLeD by b|uE at 8:24:00 pm
Saturday, October 08, 2005
blind...
many a times... we r simply blinded by realistic facts... or juz wat we wish to hear n see... for a veri long time... we forgot to feel what is realli there all the time...
but if we juz open the blinds... all will be so clear to us.. the bright blue sky will be portrayed in front of us again.. as the blinds r drawn... we begin to feel how other ppl r caring for us...
while many ppl r blinded by love... i m blinded by facts that prevented mi from loving...
for a veri long time... i had failed to c how the one who is caring for mi realli cares for mi... i mean... i noe that he cares... but i'm not sure of the extent of it... becos... all this while... i have been blinded by the tot that some other ppl is occupying his mind... n mi... being so possessive... cannot stand the tot of it... then... i begin to build this wall around mi... this cold hard glass wall that will protect mi form harm... from hurt... when one day... he will tell mi that that some1 had finally returned his favours... i told him..."when that day comes... tell mi... i will free him... without any fights..." this is juz my way of preparing myself for the worst... i noe it will come eventually.. so to prevent myself fr getting hurt.. i kept a dist... that's the reason why i still cant love... those words have hurt him... i noe.. but only aft i said it... n saw the expression on his face...
then he said sth that pulled mi out of the darkness of my tots... he reminded mi... that he was gifted w superb memory power... it's veri normal for him to remember almost every single detail in his life... indeed... he can even rmb a small thing that happened when he was 5... of cos he can still rmb the memories of his previous crush... the blinds are pulled apart... then i saw how he had also rmb wat i wore on our first date... wat happened on our 2nd date... even the exact date... those that ppl w stm like mi cant remember...
he realli does care... if not... he wouldnt have brought mi to chinese garden when he dun even like the idea of it... he knew that i'll like it there... that's y he dun mind doing wat he tinks will be boring n meaningless...
i can sense it now... i'm sorry.. all this while... i cant... therefore... as long as he still does... i will cherish it... thx for reminding mi... meanwhile.... i shall look for the great sense of security that i need...
SpilLeD by b|uE at 12:25:00 pm
