Saturday, May 28, 2005

first time...

hmmm... how shld i say this?? this post is long overdue le... that's cos the whole thing din seem real enuf 4 mi to add it into this 0cean of memories...

... till now... when the no. of ppl who knows abt it increase... by a little... (n that's enuf for now...)

anyway... here's the thing...

28th april 2005:
syf central judging for guitar... meridian jc got gold for the veri first competition that we took part… every1 of us was proud of such achievement… n that’s y almost all of us wants a copy of the recording of our magnificent performance… as well as the heart n soul of some other schools… n it so happens that jy’s mom was there to record it… hence oni he has it…

that night… I was added into a mass conversation w the guitar ppl by cy… n few guitat ppl added mi on msn… I was kinda quiet there… juz reading wat they were tokin… occasionally adding my words in… then I muz have said sth… cos at 1 pt… jy came n asked if I wan the recordings… ya… of cos… that’s wat I told him… I mean… who doesn’t… rite?? So he start sending mi all the recordings…

while transferring… we started toking… I can’t really rmb the exact topics that we 1st toked abt… but I find that we agree on many things… our views n all that… it is amazing cos I nv had so much in common w any1 b4… not even a gal… n wat’s more… he’s a guy… u c… I dun usually tok a lot to a guy… that’s y everytime I go online… I can tok to him till veri veri late into the night… or shld I say till early next morn… once… we even tokked till 5 in the morn… it broke my record… (even w the 6 mth guy)…

6th may 2005:
8 days have passed aft both of us started toking thru msn… on this day… he chooses to confess that… he likes mi… I was so shocked n utterly speechless… heart was beating so fast… both my hands n feet went cold… my mind was blank as well n I have no idea how to reply him… n the com chooses to hang juz then…I guess u can say it’s a good thing… gives me time to calm myself down n settle my traumatized heart…

I really dunno how to answer him… cos this is the 1st time that I experience this… as in having some1 confess to mi… at that time… all that I feel abt him is that of a good fren… no chemistry… I can’t rmb wat my exact words were… but the main idea here was I din reject when he ask to jio mi… izzit good or bad??

I’m not sure… at first… I tot maybe the feelings will grow… n reaction might juz occur… but nth happened… not oni that… I realize that I m not at all ready for love!! Cos to mi… love is a veri strong feeling that I will not admit to it so easily… so during one of the conversations… I told him that… n it seems that his opinion of love is completely different fr mine… for him… love seems to occur veri quickly n naturally… often as well… that is how the atmosphere of our conversation suddenly change…

Everything became so tense… n with a few words n saying that he gotta go… he left. Juz like that… I mean… that’s not the whole pt of the conversation… I was there… half aslp… typing whatever that comes to my mind… or maybe that’s juz my inner tots?? I dunno… all I noe is that I’ve definitely hurt him w wat I’ve said… that’s not my purpose… I certainly dun 1 that to happen… that is y… I tink a letter is absolutely necessary to explain myself… so… I immediately start writing 1 loh… quite long actually… juz to clear the air…


After giving the letter… I soon got 1 back… the content shall not be disclose… but it’s really touching… so now we r back to frens liao… things r back to norm… kind of… n it’s good enuf liao…

he still likes him... n i con't to feel insecure abt his confession... cos 2 mi... having such feeling for some1 within 8 days is not realli possible... n b4 all this msn msges... we hardly even tok... that's y i'm still insecure n unsafe... but hopefully things will change ba... maybe his actions will indeed speak louder than words n things will change... for the better...

now... as more n more ppl noe of this( sy... c... cy... reb... xw...)... this 'msn qing yuan' becomes more real n i can realli register all these facts... n actually saving it in this 0cean of memories... even though there maybe nth in the end... i still hope to keep it inside as i'm not 1 that often receives such affection... hence... i realli have to tank him... =)

SpilLeD by b|uE at 1:44:00 am